Women may be the ones to physically go through pregnancy and
childbirth, but they're not alone in the experience. From phantom pains
to "sympathy" weight gain, partners of pregnant women can develop some
of the physical symptoms of pregnancy.
Now, a recent study suggests that these partners may undergo the same shifts in sexuality as new mothers do.
Now, a recent study suggests that these partners may undergo the same shifts in sexuality as new mothers do.
The study, published in
August issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine, looked at the sex lives
of 114 partners of women who had recently given birth.
Researchers at
the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor gave these partners (95 men, 18
women, and one unspecified gender) an online questionnaire aimed at
assessing their physical, emotional, and relationship experiences during
the first three months following their youngest child's birth.
Previous research has
mostly focused on postpartum sexuality in new mothers, finding that
biological issues such as hormonal changes and breastfeeding can affect
libido. But few studies have examined the effects of a new baby in the women's partners (called co-parents).
The results of the
current study show co-parents also experience similar shifts in
sexuality, suggesting that hormones and other biological causes aren't
the only factors in play.
Indeed, the researchers found that fatigue and
stress tended to be a greater influence on low sexual desire in
partners, rather than issues related directly to the physical and
hormonal aspects of childbirth.
That makes sense, says sex coach Amy Levine.
"When both partners are involved in caring for the baby, sleep
deprivation and attending to his or her needs at a moment's notice takes
a toll," she explains.
"Anyone who is actively involved in the care of
their infant has likely experienced the ups and downs of arousal during
at least the first few months."
The study included some
same-sex partners, who tend to experience the effects of parenthood on
libido similarly to their heterosexual counterparts. However, there are
some differences.
"Some gay couples do not
have the support of their families, meaning no grandparents to give the
couple a break from childcare. And in some areas of the country, there
is still prejudice against gay people and gay families, a major stressor
that straight families don't face," says psychotherapist Margie Nichols.
"But same-sex couples have advantages as well. Studies of gay couples
show that they divide childcare and housework tasks more equitably,
making it less likely that one parent will feel overwhelmed and possibly
resentful."
Parenthood, new or not,
can be challenging to intimacy, but it certainly doesn't have to signal
the end of your love life. Here are some steps to help you prioritize
sex:
Reignite that spark.
Before you try to jump back into things, take the time to reassess your
sex life and revisit what excites and energizes you. "We all have ways
of sexually turning ourselves and our partners on and off," says sex therapist Megan Fleming.
"Make and share a list of your list of turn-ons with each other, then
commit to doing one thing from that list as a healthy daily practice."
Redefine intimacy.
Depending on the physical issues a new mom faces after childbirth, it's
not a bad idea to put intercourse on the back burner while enjoying
other forms of intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, and touching, until
she has fully healed from a C-section, episiotomy, or other concerns,
says women's health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider.
Be creative.
Too busy to even think about getting busy? Ask friends or loved ones to
watch your little one(s), hire a babysitter, or trade play dates with
other parents so you and your partner can enjoy your own date nights --
or date days. If your child is a baby, take advantage of his or her naps
to get frisky.
Talk things out.
As with almost everything involving your sex life, communication is
key. When one person in a couple experiences low libido, it definitely
affects his or her partner, says Wider.
Communicate openly about your
concerns, and discuss solutions to common problems that could be
interfering with intimacy, such as vaginal dryness.
Just do it. It's
normal to find yourself in a sex rut, whether you've just welcomed a
new baby or are parents to a teen. But just as a rut can deepen when you
ignore it, sex tends to beget more sex.
In my experience, if one
partner is experiencing decreased desire, it's crucial for the other
partner to stay in the game and not retreat out of rejection. Happy kids
require happy parents.
So put your relationship -- and intimacy -- at
the top of your to-do list. Your family will thank you.
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